Title: Finding You
Chapters: 43 Part 1/43
Pairing: HyukHae, Past!Kihae
Disclaimer: I don’t own them, only the weird plot.
Summary: Donghae finally gets to see Hyukjae, and is presented with a choice.
Note: This is written from Donghae’s point of view.
It took a week, one week to get over my sickness. Everyone told me the reason I wasn’t getting better was because I wasn’t sleeping or eating.
It wasn’t like I was purposely not taking care of myself; in fact I wanted nothing more than to get better so I could visit Hyukjae in the hospital. But every time I closed my eyes to fall asleep I would start to dream and I didn’t want to dream because every time I started to dream Hyukjae died. I couldn’t eat because all I thought about was Hyukjae dying and that made me sick.
I needed to see Hyukjae; if he was going to die I…I needed to see him.
Yesterday I felt fine, but just as a precaution I waited another day before I would go see Hyukjae, and today was the day. Today I was going to visit Hyukjae in the hospital.
Everyone was trying to prepare me for what I was going to see. They kept telling me that I needed to stay strong for Hyukjae, that Hyukjae wouldn’t want me to be sad. But all their words managed to do was make me nervous.
I had seen enough dreams of Hyukjae dying that I felt like I could handle anything but the way they were talking made me rethink my resolve.
As I climbed into the back seat of Leeteuk’s car I felt a low panic start to settle into my heart. What if I wasn’t strong enough to face this? What if I was too weak?
“You’ll be fine” Kibum whispered to me as he squeezed my hand reassuringly.
I nodded my head as a reply and then turned my attention to the front, in a few minute I would get to see Hyukjae. I let out a ragged breath and tried to ignore the glances I was receiving from everyone in the car.
When the car came to a stop I had to close my eyes and take a deep breath before I could even move. I could do this.
The walk up to the hospital seemed to take ages and at the same time it seemed to short a distance. I concentrated of my breathing and the unsynchronized sound of footfall; it was all I could do to stop myself from running away.
When we walked through the hospital doors I never felt so small in my entire life, so insignificant, so helpless. But I wouldn’t run, not when Hyukjae was lying in some hospital bed waiting for me. I had made him wait a week and I wouldn’t make his wait any longer.
Everyone who was there the night of prom was now standing in a hospital waiting room again offering me support. I wanted to cry just from their kindness, but I wouldn’t, I would be strong.
With the last of their comforting words they sent me away in the direction of Hyukjae’s room, Kibum and Ryeowook leading the way.
I fallowed after them with a slight drag in my steps, it’s not that I didn’t want to see Hyukjae, I was just afraid.
I wasn’t expecting my heart to stop when I was standing outside of Hyukjae’s door, but it had. I was afraid of what I would see behind that door.
Kibum and Ryeowook noticed my hesitation to enter the room and Ryeowook put his hand on my shoulder “It’s okay” he said “you can do it” Kibum added and I nodded my head before I took a deep breath and opened the door.
When I stepped through the door my heart wasn’t prepared for the scene in front of me. I took another deep breath and closed my eyes, trying to stop the tears from falling.
Hyukjae was lifelessly lying in the bed with a bunch of machines surrounding him. As I walked closer I could see that half of his face was bandaged, he had tubes running in his nose and mouth, tubes to help him breathe. He had a neck brace on and his left arm was broken and bandaged all the way up to his shoulder. His left leg was wrapped in a cast with pins sticking out the side. There were scrapes all over his body and from the shaky way his chest was moving up and down I could tell he wasn’t breathing on his own.
My heart was beating too fast and the pain that I felt from just looking at him was beginning to feel like too much. Breathing became hard to do and with each falling tear my vision became cloudier. But I continued to walk forward; I needed to be near Hyukjae.
I hadn’t noticed it before but being near Hyukjae made me feel better, better than I had in a week. Even though he was lying in a hospital bed unresponsive and in a coma just the fact that he was still alive made my heart hurt a little less.
When I finally reached his bed I had lost all notion of what I wanted to say to him. I quickly whipped away my tears as I desperately tried to find the words to say.
“Hey” I said, it was stupid but it was a start
“It’s me Donghae” I said genteelly taking Hyukjae’s hand “I don’t know if you can hear me…but I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry”
I closed my eyes and took a shaky breath before I continued “You wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for me” I admitted “Everyone keeps telling me that isn’t true, but I know it is…if you weren’t coming to pick me up for the prom you never would have gotten into an accident. And I wish…” I started to say but had to stop to catch my breath, breathing was becoming increasingly harder to do “I wish it was me…I wish I was the one lying in this bed…it shouldn’t be you, it should be me”
I let go of Hyukjae’s hand and went to sit down on the chair next to his bed, I had a perfect view of his marred face “We’ll always have to live with this…and I’ll always feel guilty…but if you wake up I promise I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you…I’ll give you anything…just please wake up” I begged “I need you…I need you so bad Hyukjae that it hurts not being with you…I can’t breathe properly when you’re not around” I had to stop talking, this isn’t how I wanted this to go.
“I love you” I said instead “I love you and I will come here every day until you wake up…” and then I had to pause because the next words I spoke were going to burn as they came out “or until…or until you leave this world…but whatever you do…whatever happens…just know that I will never forget you…you changed my life…you changed my life and I’ve only know a few weeks, but you will always have my heart. It will only ever belong to you” I said and even though I had tears streaming down my face my voice sounded strong. I will be strong for Hyukjae; I will come to this hospital and tell him everyday how much I love him.
I sat with him for a little while longer, whispering “I love you” hoping it would reach his heart.
When I looked at the clock I realized that I should probably go, I had been sitting with him for an hour and there were still people waiting to see him. I stood up after telling Hyukjae that I had to leave and took a step backwards. I couldn’t leave; there was something I wanted to do, something I had to do, just in case I never got the chance to do it again.
I walked over towards Hyukjae and leaned over, making sure not to touch or move any of the tubes or wires connected to his body. I leaned down and whispered “I love you” before I place a chaste kiss gently on the side of Hyukjae’s mouth.
It was a kiss goodbye, but hopefully not the last one we would share.
“Good bye” I said before I walked out of the room, making sure to steal one last glance at him before I shut the door.