After I had returned home from the hospital I felt exhausted. A whole week of going with little sleep and being sick had really done its damage to my body.
As I crawled into bed I felt really proud of myself for not breaking down at the hospital. It was hard seeing Hyukjae like that but I knew I had to be strong for him.
I buried myself under the comforter and closed my eyes, I was really tired.
My eyes shot open when I felt something in my chest. It was an odd feeling. I could only describe it as fear or maybe even panic. But whatever it was it felt like it was crushing my lungs, squeezing out all the air, leaving me with only a painful feeling of oncoming doom.
I wanted to get out of bed but I felt trapped, like something was forcing me to stay put. My eyes felt heavy and I fought to keep them open but my attempts were futile because eventually they fell shut.
I couldn’t move or open my eyes, I tried to scream out but nothing worked. It was almost like I was in…in a coma.
I started to panic, is this how Hyukjae felt? Did he feel trapped? Was he afraid?
I tried to kick and scream but it was all in vain.
“Stop trying to moving and calm down” a voice that sounded familiar to me said. I did as he instructed.
When I calmed down I could move again and I opened my eyes and found that I was standing in a field.
“It hurts” the man who looks like an older version of me said, pointing to my chest, it wasn’t a question it was a statement.
I slapped his hand away. It felt like déjà vu.
“You knew this was going to happen” I yelled
“Yes” he answered unaffected by my tone of voice
“Why didn’t you warn me” I yelled, angered by his lack of consideration
“It’s not my job to warn you” he said with no hint of compassion in his voice
“Then what good are you?” I yelled and tried to run away, but it didn’t work. All of a sudden my legs wouldn’t work and I fell onto the ground.
“If it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t have met him” my doppelganger said, appearing out of nowhere crouched next to me.
I was so angry I didn’t even care if that was the truth “and besides” he said “he was supposed to die a long time ago. So you should be thankful you got this extra time with him”
“What do you mean?” I asked a little calmer. Hyukjae was going to die?
“He was supposed to die the last time I came to your dreams, but something changed”
“What?” I asked. I wasn’t even sure what I wanted to know.
“Something you did changed his fate” he answered “You blessed and cursed him the moment you found each other”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” I questioned
“It’s not my job to make you feel better” he answered
“Then what is your job?”
“I bring soul mates together when they aren’t going to meet” he answered “I help you find each other”
“Then why is he dying?” I questioned “if you’re supposed to bring us together why are you taking him away from me?”
He smiled at my question before he helped me to stand up, in the blink of an eye we were standing on a beach “call it collateral damage” he answered as he brushed away the invisible dirt on my shoulders.
“W-What?” I questioned, I was so confused
“You were never going to meet him” he answered “you should be happy with the little time you had together”
I felt my tears starting to fall, how would I ever be happy again? “Hyukjae is going to die, isn’t he?” I asked
“Yes” he answered a little too quickly and it made me feel sick “he is going to die thirty minutes from now”
My heart stopped when I heard his words, Hyukjae was going to die in thirty minutes? I needed to wake up. I needed to be there with him.
“You will not make it in time” he answered like he was reading my mind “he will die alone…no matter how hard you try, you will not make it there before he dies”
“Then help me, I have to be there when he goes…I need to see him one last time” I screamed at him
“I can’t do that” he answered
“Because it’s not your job?” I yelled at him “Why did you let me meet him if you were just going to pull us apart? How am I supposed to live on if my soul mate dies?”
He was silent for a minute, just staring at me and that’s when I finally realized. The reason I always loved and hated this man was because he gave me the one thing I wanted most in this world, and he was also the reason I was losing it.
As if he was reading my thoughts, he smiled “Did you love him?” he asked
“Yes” I decided to answer honestly, there was no point in arguing, Hyukjae was going to die no matter what I did, so why fight anymore
“Are you glad that you found each other?”
“Will you regret ever meeting him?” he asked, I didn’t have to think, I knew the answer
“No” I said and the older version of me smiled
“What would you give up so that Hyukjae could live?” he asked and for a minute I thought he was joking, but eventually I answered
“Anything” I said
“Yes, you can take anything you want…just please don’t let Hyukjae die” I begged
“Are you willing to give up all of your time together?” he asked, but I didn’t understand
“What?” I asked
“Would you be willing to never meet Hyukjae? If I never help you two meet he will not die” he said
I only had to think about it for a second, the answer was quite obvious
“Yes” I said “If it will save Hyukjae then I’m willing to have never met him”
The older version of me was quit for a few seconds before he spoke again, his words cutting me like a knife “you may never meet him” he said “Without my help I doubt you will ever see each other again”
“I don’t care” I said “if Hyukjae lives that’s all that matters”
“Very well” he said “then I’ll reverse time and he’ll never dream about you…are you sure you’re okay with that?” he asked on more time
“Yes” I answered “because I know I will find him again” I knew it in my heart, I would find Hyukjae.
He smiled at me “I hope you do” he said “but I don’t see it in your future”
“I changed the future once right?” I asked and he nodded his head “then I can do it again, I will find Hyukjae” I said with absolute resolve, nothing would keep us apart.
“You make it sound so easy, but there are 6,852,472,823 people in this world and 48,747,000 of them are in South Korea. How do you expect to find one man so easily?” he asked
“He’s not just one man” I answered “he’s my soul mate, and I will find him”
The man who likes to be called fate smiled at me “I really hope you find him Donghae” he said
“Can I ask you something” I asked
“Even if I answer you won’t remember” he said
“I still want to know” I said “If I find Hyukjae will he die again?”
The man took a deep breath before he answered “IF you find him, and that’s a pretty big if, he will live a very long life”
“Good” I said with a smile, as long as Hyukjae wasn’t taken away from me a second time everything would work out fine
“Are you ready now?” He asked and I nodded my head. He took my hand and we started to walk down the beach.
As we continued to walk my eyes started to fell heavy and then all of a sudden I just fell over and went to sleep.